Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Surrender vs. Apathy (& I am not some Zen-Nut-Job!)

Standing outside last night, the ground felt so warm under my bare feet...it go me thinking...so:
In an attempt to cross off another item on my Before I Turn 30 list, I've decided to (again) try to tackle the issue I have with surrender and apathy. These are the issues that I meditate over.

I actually have a difficult time talking about meditating, because, as I do occasionally meditate...(and used to do it more) right now it's more that I'm doing repetitive actions (like painting, drawing, crafting, sewing, etc) that I'm almost in a "trance."

So, I'm just going to put this out there....I dislike talking about meditating...because I feel like it's really personal (like praying or something) and not everyone does it or needs to know about my feeling about it. I may close my eyes and just exist. Or, get so engrossed in an art project that I am lost, and instead I am the paintbrush.

Anyway....so, I have this whole idea of surrender. Surrendering everything...good, bad, indifferent...to the universe. But, for awhile (read: years) I have been asking myself the question: how do you surrender without becoming apathetic? I mean, so much of the time I'm like, "whatever...no big deal..." and it almost seems I don't care or am indifferent. Or that I'm just so "laid back" or coolly "whatever" all the time...so, this is my problem. I am not apathetic.

Where is the line that is active....active surrender...vs. passive apathy. Is there a line? And can I tell the difference? After so much thinking and over thinking, it hit me. (And I would appreciate any input on this. Aha! Here is something you can meditate on).

Surrender is not and never has been apathy. There. Apathy is nothing more than a feeling of the ego...and ego hates to surrender control...and ego is nothing (ego is some imaginary boundaries that separate me from you, from trees, from cars, etc), so of course it wants everything, right? And, rather than being indifferent, uncaring or apathetic, surrender is acceptance. Is this obvious and Ive just been missing it?
Acceptance is active...it's taking everything in (active) and releasing it (also active). Acceptance is really hard. But, then overcoming that ego (or myself/thoughts/experiences/everything I've ever learned) is active. Right? I just need to be accepting of life, of "stuff," because in acceptance there is no apathy, blame, guilt, would-have-should-have-could-have, etc. Because in surrender things just are. Now....each fleeting moment is. Was. Is. Surrender is releasing control--control over things that only my ego thought I could control. So, surrender is not really giving up or being apathetic. It is instead releasing the desire/need to control things I have no control over (and never will, despite ego/experience/society/etc. telling me I could and should try to control these things). It's not even so much surrender as it is active acceptance...yeah?

This is as far as I have gotten in my circular thinking about this. I guess rather than surrendering things I will be "actively accepting" them. Now, to only live in the moment, being aware and constantly accepting and releasing/surrendering. Actually living these ideas, well, there's the difficult part, right? Or maybe the difficult part is living with all the things that ego can be (apathy, blame, guilt, would-have-should-have-could-have, need to, want to, etc). I guess I'll have to surrender all that too.